Is it All Downhill From Here?

Earlier this week, I stumbled upon some pictures from a vacation we took to Mexico in 2018. It was a particularly memorable trip, and my 38th birthday actually fell right in the middle of it. I celebrated with my family and close friends by blowing out sparklers on a cake and taking tequila shots at the resort restaurant with my kids at the table.

This time period happened to be when I was the leanest (aka skinniest) I’ve been in a long time. I was ripped, thin, tan, and I felt really damn good about myself physically. It was a level of confidence and comfort in my own skin that I’ve seldom felt during my lifetime as a woman with body image issues.

This week, I flipped through the pictures, looked at them longingly, and said to myself, “Damn, you really peaked at 38. It’s been all downhill since then.”

After I had the thought, my jaw dropped a little, and I thought to myself, “WTF?? Do you really believe that, Hadley?” I turned the whole idea over in my mind a few times and realized that this is the perfect example of the toxic thought patterns we so often find ourselves stuck in. It’s also a good reminder NOT to judge a book by its cover…even if it’s your own damn book.

Sure, I looked good in a bathing suit during that vacation. My hair was long, and I had mastered some fabulously complicated braids. The pictures tell a glamorous story, but it was a very surface-level story.

I was drinking wine each night, blacking out a few times a month, and stuck in a never-ending cycle of shame and regret after each drinking episode. I was just young enough still that my body hadn’t started revolting against the abuse, and my discipline as an endurance athlete allowed me to push through the discomfort and keep exercising at an extreme level through hangovers, health issues, and exhaustion. There was a shit-storm brewing just beneath the surface that would take a few years to materialize.

On the outside, I looked like I was crushing it, but on the inside, I felt broken.

There was always a level of self-loathing that stemmed from my drinking, and a visible 6-pack didn’t compensate for that. It doesn’t matter how good you look if the inside is a mess.

I went into that all-inclusive vacation with the usual attitude that I needed to “get my money’s worth” and drink as much as possible. Vacation drinking at its finest. Mimosas with breakfast, champagne by the pool, and margaritas all afternoon. I was never really drunk because my kids were around, and that was a hard line for me, but I still had that constant feeling of sour stomach, dehydration, bloating, and the level of sleepiness that always goes along with day drinking.

After a week in the sun, I came home 5 pounds heavier, hungover, and needing a vacation from my vacation. I was frustrated and disappointed after breaking all the promises I made to myself before the trip about how much I would drink and eat.

Looking back at it all now through fresh eyes, despite looking good in a bikini, had I PEAKED at 38?

Hell no!

The only thing I had peaked at was brutalizing my body down to a body fat percentage that wasn’t sustainable over the long term. I still had lots of learning, growing, and healing to do before I got anywhere close to peaking. That was NOT the best it was going to get.

Just because my physical body looked good on the outside, did not mean that I was healthy and whole. Alcohol was very quietly stealing bits of my happiness, self-confidence, and my peace.

Over the next six years, my relationship with alcohol would crescendo until I finally faced the truth and gave booze up for good in 2021. I then gained 25 pounds almost overnight as gut and thyroid issues bubbled to the surface and forced me to address them. I came dangerously close to losing the rest of my already limited hearing due to the massive inflammation my body was fighting, and I was terrified that I’d wake up completely deaf any day.

I worked hard for years to strengthen and heal my mental health as well as my physical health. I had to change my priorities and take much better care of myself. I dug deep to unpack my issues with alcohol and figure out why I drank in the first place. I did hard work to rebuild a life that was vibrant and fulfilling without alcohol. I poured myself into writing a book and sharing my story with the hopes of helping others. I re-learned how to eat and exercise in a way that was better for my now middle-aged body. I worked hard to love and accept myself in a more meaningful way.

I’ve come a long way, but I know in my heart that I still haven’t peaked, dammit! The last few years certainly haven’t been a downhill slide. They’ve been full of growth as I stepped into my power, and I’m nowhere close to being done.

Yet, I still fell into the trap of looking back and equating pretty and skinny with whole and worthy. I romanticized that time of my life simply because I looked young and untouched by middle-age.

Those pictures represent an important time in my life, for sure, and lots of good things happened during that stage. I can look back with compassion and grace and THANK that version of me for ultimately getting me where I am now. I can give her a high-five and a wink for rocking those abs, and then I can look in the mirror and give my current self a fist-bump for her strength, badassery, and her hard work building the foundation for the kick-ass old lady body/mind she’ll someday get to inhabit.  

Let this be a reminder to treat ourselves more gently and kindly and to stop associating our worth with our appearance. Self-love shouldn’t be dependent on our pant size, lack of wrinkles, or how we look at the beach. It should be about looking past the surface level and loving ourselves unconditionally and knowing we’re inherently worthy regardless of what we see in the mirror.

Seeing the evidence of age and time reflected back at us doesn’t mean we’re on the decline and our best days are behind us. It only means we have more experience and wisdom to draw from, which ultimately makes us more beautiful.