Sobriety in Marriage - How to Cope with a Spouse Who Drinks

The question I get asked most frequently is whether my husband still drinks, and if so, how I handle that. Unpacking the role that alcohol plays in our relationships can be a tricky issue, and it's one I've had to spend some time thinking about to answer thoughtfully.

My husband does still drink, but he is what I often refer to as a “moderation unicorn.” His relationship with alcohol is very different than mine. He can take it or leave it. He can have a drink, stop at one, and not think about it again for a week or two. He rarely over-indulges and has probably never felt ashamed of his drinking. Moderating feels easy to him, and it’s not something he ever needs to think about. For someone like me, for whom moderation felt impossible, it’s an interesting phenomenon to observe.

I didn’t expect or ask him to quit alongside me, but I know, in my heart, that if I had needed him to in order for me to be successful, he would have done it. If my problem had been of a different severity, and I couldn’t handle him having an occasional drink in front of me, I feel confident that he would have been willing to quit in order to help me. That wasn’t something that ever crossed my mind to ask, though.

I do now sometimes reflect on the role alcohol played in our marriage over the years, and it’s an interesting phenomenon. Most of our dates, outings, activities, and vacations revolved around alcohol. We would go out for drinks, make cocktails at home, visit wineries, and go on all-inclusive cruises or vacations. We live in beautiful Virginia wine country, so we especially loved to use winery outings as a celebration for special occasions. We would even take the kids for winery picnics, which is strangely a common thing around here.  

I always thought those days were so special, but when I look back, I realize I don’t actually remember much. I certainly don’t remember our conversations, and while it might have seemed fun in the moment, I always ended up tired and hungover by evening and worried that I’d annoyed him. I always got much drunker than intended and spent the next day kicking myself and wasting away on the couch. I’m not sure how much genuine connection was happening on those days. Our time certainly could have been better spent.

When I first decided to quit drinking, my husband was honestly a little confused and surprised. He didn’t know that I was struggling. I had kept all my issues stuffed deep down inside for so long, and I was great at acting like everything was fine. I was drinking the way everyone around us was drinking. There were no glaring red flags or outward consequences. My problem was sneaky and quiet.

He was immediately supportive, but I don’t know that he thought it was something that would stick. I think he assumed that it was just a phase. Once he realized how committed I was, I once asked how he felt about it, and he responded by saying that he largely didn’t care, but it did make him sad that we would never get a drink or go on a winery date again. I felt the same way – it made me feel sad, too, like we were missing out on an important opportunity for fun and connection until I really unpacked how those days ultimately left me feeling. Now, I think there are much better ways for us to connect and have fun together. There are so many other ways I would rather spend our time.

So, how do I handle his drinking, and does it bother me?

Let’s be honest – it depends on my mood. 97% of the time, I genuinely don’t care.

I realized early on that, like so many other parts of marriage, communication is key. I had to open up and talk to him about what I was doing and feeling, ask for his support, and create some boundaries.

For me, those initial boundaries were simple ,things like:

• I don’t care if you have a bourbon or beer, but please don’t open a bottle of red wine at home. That felt like a big trigger for me.

• I don’t want to wash any bourbon tumblers in the sink and have to smell it.

• I don’t want to have to buy alcohol, so you have to keep yourself stocked.

Over time, those boundaries have evolved a bit, and I think that’s normal and natural. I would now add a few things like:

• I won’t do all the driving around with the kids in the evenings because you want to have a drink.

• Let’s plan a date night sometimes where there is no drinking, so we’re on the same page.

• I still don’t really want to buy it, but if you need a case of beer from Costco and I’m there, I’m not going to have you make a separate trip for it.

Another important boundary for me is not making a big deal out of drinking and being mindful about how it’s discussed and portrayed in front of our boys. We talk about “mommy-wine culture,” but honestly, dads can fall into the same trap. If you’re going to have a drink, just do it. Don’t make it a big production with “Damn, I need a drink!” or “Come to Poppa” kind of vibes. That kind of behavior really gives me the ICK. It’s a drink (well, poison, actually), not a magical elixir or problem solver. Let’s not glamorize or romanticize it any more than popular culture already does.

You might need more aggressive boundaries than mine, at least in the beginning. Don’t feel bad about that. Your relationship should be a safe space for you to practice advocating for yourself. That’s a handy skill to have in sobriety. Maybe you don’t think you can deal with having any alcohol in your home. Maybe you don’t want to be around them at all when they’re drinking. Maybe you need to break from all social events until you feel more confident. You have to share your concerns with your partner and be very clear about what you need.  

I said that his drinking doesn’t bother me 97% of the time, and that’s true, I think because he rarely overindulges. On the rare occasions that he does, I have no problem telling him that it’s annoying. If you’ve ever been one-on-one with someone who is drunk while you’re sober, it’s irritating, right? That’s no secret. It’s hard to connect and have a meaningful conversation when someone is intoxicated. It feels like the opposite of connection. That doesn’t mean I forbid him from ever getting drunk; it just means that it’s not my favorite way to hang out, and that’s how it’s going to be.

If I’m being honest, it’s also pretty tough to be understanding of hangovers once you’ve chosen sobriety. I try, I swear, but I don't really want to hear about your headache or how poorly you slept.

I have to reiterate that the key to all of this is communication.

Like it or not, it’s the key to most issues in marriage or relationships of any kind.

I’m fortunate, I know, because my husband is supportive, and his drinking is not an issue for either of us. That’s not the case for many people who I talk to out in the soberverse. Many of the people who ask me this question seem to be dealing with spouses/partners who are either unsupportive, very heavy drinkers themselves, or a combination of the two.

If your spouse/partner is also a problematic drinker, it might be hard for them to accept your choice because it’s holding a mirror up to their own problem. We know that being ready is the first step to making a change with our drinking, and if they aren’t ready, your decision might feel like a judgment against them. It might make them uncomfortable to see you ready for a change that they’re not yet prepared to make. If that is the case, all you can do is talk to them, explain what you’re doing, and ask for their support. You can’t force them to be ready, but you have every right to ask for their support as you do what you need to do.

Maybe your spouse/partner doesn’t have a problem, but they still seem generally unsupportive. Maybe they, like so many people, associate sobriety with boredom and think you’ll no longer have fun together. Maybe drinking is a big part of your social life, and a change makes them nervous. There are so many myths and fallacies out there about alcohol. It’s not surprising to see them pop up as couples begin exploring their relationships with alcohol.

Whatever the reason for their lack of support, you have to remember that your choice not to drink is an important one. You’re entitled to it, and it’s something you’ve chosen thoughtfully in order to improve your health and quality of life. It’s not a choice you should have to compromise on for someone else’s comfort.

At the end of the day, we have to do what’s right for us. We can’t keep drinking simply because our spouse/partner thinks we should or isn’t showing adequate support. That’s no way to go through life, and it’s not something you should have to compromise on.

You can’t necessarily expect your spouse/partner to embrace sobriety for themself, but you should be able to expect them to support yours.

If communication isn’t cutting it and they still refuse to be supportive, then maybe there are bigger problems to deal with. Therapy or counseling are good options to explore.

My own views and opinions on alcohol have changed so drastically that I sometimes sense my husband rolling his eyes on the inside. I can’t help it – I’ve read, researched, and learned so much about alcohol and the damage it does that there’s no going back for me. Although I try not to get preachy, my views are kind of extreme. It’s an example of how we can change and evolve over time. That’s a normal and beautiful part of life. When we’re in a relationship, we have to be willing to love and accept our spouse/partner through those changes and evolutions. That’s not always easy and sometimes comes with some trial and error.  

 I don’t have a magical solution. I can only share what has worked for me. Communication, boundaries, empathy, and finding some common ground. Get help if you need it – find someone to talk to who can help you work through your issues.

At the end of the day, quitting alcohol is going to help you become the best version of yourself, and that’s one of the best possible things you can do for your relationship.