Teenagers & Drinking...What To Do?
Nope, my teenagers can’t hang out at your house if you allow them to drink OR just turn a blind eye to it.
And let’s all get prepared to be uncomfortable because I’m going to ask you about it. I won’t accept a wink and a nod or an answer like, “Well, I say no drinking, but I can’t control what goes on in the basement.” Uh…actually, you can because you’re literally the adult in the situation. It’s your job as a parent.
Here's the deal, and it’s probably not what you think. It’s not that I’m a controlling, helicopter parent or that I’m naïve enough to think my kids will never drink. It’s also not because I’m sober, so therefore, I must hate alcohol and want to banish it from the earth (I don’t). It’s so much more complicated than that, but I’ll explain.
First of all, it’s illegal to let minors drink. That’s the obvious, although lots of people seem to ignore this fact or not care about it. If nothing else, think of the liability issues related to letting teenagers drink under your roof. No, thank you.
It’s illegal for anyone under 21 to drink for a reason. Lots of reasons, actually. They’re not mature enough to handle it. It leads to lowered inhibitions, impaired cognition, impulsivity, and all kinds of reckless behavior that is a recipe for disaster in teenagers. It’s also undisputedly horrible for their developing brains and bodies.
Contrary to popular belief, not all teenagers drink.
Sure, lots might, but not all. Let’s stop assuming that they do and encouraging it by allowing them to guzzle White Claw in our backyard. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to head into the high school years, assuming my kids are going to break all of our rules and shatter our expectations. I don’t want to assume that because they’re teenagers, they will be incapable of resisting the urge and peer pressure to drink. When they do break the rules or make mistakes, we’ll deal with that and address it accordingly, but I’m not going to let go of all reasonable expectations and allow risky, dangerous behavior just because “everyone is going to do it, so we might as well let them.”
I want to help my boys learn how to stand up for what they believe in, resist peer pressure, and go against the grain when it matters. When they step off the path, and they will, we’ll use it as an opportunity to learn.
Unfortunately, lots of kids are also going to vape or try weed, also. Should we just let them all do whatever they want because they might try it eventually on their own? Why would we treat alcohol differently when it’s an addictive, carcinogenic drug that causes countless issues, deaths, accidents, and illnesses? Just because it has somehow become culturally acceptable? It really makes no sense.
Look, I drank as a teenager. I drank a LOT, so I feel like a little bit of a hypocrite. I sometimes marvel at the fact that I’m still alive to tell the tales. We did a lot of stupid shit when we were drunk. Stupid, dangerous, risky, obnoxious. I shouldn’t have survived it, frankly. I wish we had known more back then, and these conversations were more prevalent. I desperately wish I hadn’t done a lot of the things I did as a teenager. I don’t want my kids to repeat my mistakes. Will they make their own?? Of course, but I’m not going to make it any easier for them by handing them a beer and looking the other way.
Another difference from my teenage drinking days? We didn’t have to worry about cell phones and social media. We didn’t have to worry that our mistakes were being documented and broadcast to the internet to be available forever. Our teenagers today have so much at stake. The drunken mistakes they make can come back to haunt them for years. They can be cut from teams, kicked out of school, bullied, or embarrassed…not to mention down the road when they’re trying to get into schools or secure jobs. Videos and pictures on the internet last forever, and combining teenagers with booze and a cell phone is a recipe for disaster. DAMN, I’m glad we didn’t have to worry about that when I was a kid.
When parents allow kids to drink under their watch, it seems to most frequently be done under the premise of providing a safe and controlled environment for the inevitable. Since the kids are going to do it anyway, they should go ahead and let them do it safely. I also hear the flawed theory that allowing kids to drink with you at home teaches them to respect alcohol and drink more moderately. We’ll call this the “controlled exposure” theory.
The problem with all of this, frankly, is that it’s bullshit.
There is no evidence supporting any of these claims. In fact, the data shows the opposite to be true. One of the most significant risk factors for developing Alcohol Use Disorder is drinking at an early age. The earlier you drink, the more likely you are to develop a problem later in life - whether you were having that drink “safely” in a friend’s basement or at a party in a field. It doesn’t matter.
A key finding from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism research was that people who began drinking before age fifteen were fifty percent more likely to become alcohol dependent as adults. The same was valid to a lesser extent for those who began drinking between the ages of fifteen and seventeen.
The NIAAA says, “In general, each additional year earlier than 21 that a respondent began to drink, the greater the odds that he or she would develop alcohol dependence at some point in life.”
In addition to an increased risk of experiencing problems with alcohol later in life, studies show a laundry list of other risks and negative consequences associated with underage drinking:
It interferes with brain development
Leads to other problems (with the law, school, etc.)
It’s associated with the use of other substances
Increases the risk of physical and sexual assault
Impairs judgment and leads to poor decisions and other risky behavior
Causes injuries, accidents, and death.
The controlled exposure theory does not truly mitigate any of these risks, except maybe when a parent takes the car keys and doesn’t allow driving. That’s a tiny part of the problem, though, and we all know that motivated (and drunk) teens will always find a way to do what they want to do.
Based on the research and the data, our goal as parents should clearly be to help our kids wait AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO DRINK!!
Each year closer to 21 decreases their risk of dangerous consequences, so that’s what we should be working towards… NOT letting our 15-year-olds throw a boozy homecoming party in our yard just so we “know what’s going on.” It might not make us the cool parents, but believe it or not, we can say NO. It’s perfectly reasonable (and should be the norm) to have a no-booze rule for our teenagers. It’s crazy that I even need to say that.
If you live in an area where this practice isn’t prevalent, consider yourself lucky. Where I live, it’s a big issue, and one I think about frequently with my younger kids approaching their high school years.
Kids make lots of mistakes. It’s literally part of their brain development. They’ll drink, they’ll drive too fast, they’ll say and do stupid things. Maybe they’ll do much worse. It’s part of pushing the boundaries, flexing their independence muscles, and wanting to be grown-up. Our job as parents is to guide them, teach them, support them, and set and maintain boundaries. Even when it’s hard, and they hate those boundaries. That’s what we signed up for, unfortunately. It’s a hard job.
We all have to make our own decisions for our own kids and do what we think is right, but if I can ask just one thing of you, it’s this….
Please don’t make these decisions for other people’s kids by allowing them to drink on your watch. Please don’t host gatherings that provide or even just allow alcohol without parents being aware of the level of supervision you’re providing and risk you're allowing. That’s not fair to anyone. It’s inconsiderate and irresponsible.
And if you intend to let kids drink, and a parent asks you (like I will), please be honest about your intentions so we can make the best decision for our family.
I’m certainly not naïve enough to think that my kids will never drink or make mistakes, but when they do, they’ll be armed with a lot more information about alcohol than I ever had as a 14-year-old getting drunk on peach schnapps. We'll talk about it a lot, I'll ask lots of questions, and we'll course correct as necessary.
I'm far from a perfect parent, but I'll keep creating boundaries for them and working had to help them navigate these years successfully. I don't want them to look back on their teenage years and wonder how on earth the survived it.
Want to read more on this topic? I talk about this as well as the dangers of Mommy-Wine Culture in my book, The Dirty Truth on Social Drinking: "Everything in Moderation" and Other BS.
Grab your copy on Amazon now!
Comments